(I wrote this a few days ago after a particularly rough night. I considered not posting as I’m feeling much better but decided it’s a part of the journey.)
These are the moments that fuel my soul. The moments that make me feel like my lungs breath magic not oxygen.
But that isn’t the whole story.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Heaving sobs rocked my body for no apparent reason.
While we travel many new roads, this one is not. Many years ago, it defined my life. Over time, therapy, a patient husband, amazing children, and a loving God swept that shadow away. Mostly. For the past 11 years, aside from 6 long dark months and an occasional gray day sprinkled in to remind me how far I’ve come – how good God is- depression has been little more than a distant memory.
Now here I am living one of my lifelong dreams and the shadow is on my heels. The shadow with a voice that tells me of my failures, plays on my insecurities, growls my fears, and mocks my sadness.
I’m angry that this shadow has decided to come knocking now. Knocking while I’m living one of my dreams. But that’s life. It’s not a Thomas Kincade painting. (Thank God I’m so over snow.) There are no shortage of struggles even when life is surrounded by a white picket fence. Life is messy, complicated, often painful, and, yes, beautiful even admist struggles.
So I wait through the night knowing morning will come.
Light will shine over the sometimes dim forest of life and the shadows will shrink.
The light of God surrounds me. The light that comes with a walk through the woods or the view from a mountain top. The light found in my children’s smiles. The light that shines through my husband’s arms. The light that follows sharing the truth.
Darkness may come but morning always follows.
Love and Laughter,
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